Don't read this.
"Just let go and let God..."
I hate that saying.
I am a stuffer by nature. I have never been an over communicator, and I guess that blogging is a very minor outlet for my thoughts and feelings. Not many people read this so I think I'm safe. But this blog is not directed and anyone but Becky and I.
I'm hurting. As a man I feel like I have to be the strong, responsible, provider of......everything. Lately Beck and I have been talking about how I CANNOT be everything. I need to step back and put God in His rightful place in my heart. On the throne, not in a box. This is an absolutely true fact, both in foundation, and on my part. While I need to let God do His thing in my marriage, I cannot help but feel to blame. And it sickens me. I would like to think that my marriage is flawless, but that would be crazy, I love my wife, and I couldn't find a negative thing about her. But I feel like she would be out of her mind to say the same about me. I have faults that are huge and crippling. I am a HUGE disappointment. I feel like this new area that has been revealed to me this morning is devastating.
Beck went out to eat with some friends this morning and I had an unfortunate task I was asked to accomplish. And I couldn't. I literally could not. God was showing me this morning that the breakdown was mine, and as a sinful and broken human, my attempts to provide would fall infinitely short yet again. It was an utter failure. Worst of all, in my failure, I feel like this is just one more thing to bottle up. This never ending bottle in my heart that feels constantly ready to burst, it seems, can always hold one more thing. No matter how big it is. Even as I write this I can feel myself screwing the lid on the bottle, and the familiar comfortable numbness covering me again.
Now I'm sitting here reading what I've written...with nothing left to say, having said nothing at all. I think I abuse my blogging rights, using a lot of words, cryptically sharing my heart, but not saying anything at all.
Sorry.
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1 comments:
Sorry Marty but I read the blog. That's what happens when you post new blogs and people that care about you see them. I care about you and Becky like I care about my family.......maybe more cuz they live thousands of miles away. I don't know what's really going on inside your heart but I truly hope that you find peace. We will be diligently praying for you guys. Don't feel like you are alone in your struggles because you're not. You never are and you never will be. Don't feel like you have to hide your feelings from the rest of us. We are all so full of our own problems.....we are all just experts on covering them up. Let's not put on our "happy faces" anymore! We are the body of Christ so let's be his hands and feet. Let's be for each other what Christ is for the church. Don't bottle your feelings up anymore. Let them out and allow Christ to work through all of us to help you. We love you guys unconditionally......truly!
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