Ten Years Gone

Huh. faced with a unique look at myself today. I don't think that its a surprise to anyone who knows me even a little bit that banking isn't my thing. It's my brothers thing. He's amazing at it and has the mind for it. He gets it, and as a result of his persistence and commitment to his career has really made a name for himself in Redding. I'm so proud of him. He is very grown up and respectable. He makes banking super cool.

I can't.

For a while I thought that I could force myself into that box, but it's not me, and I thought that because of this force, I was getting a little down.

As Beck and I have talked and prayed though, the reality is that I have been going through a change for over a year. Looking more like a couple of years. I don't deal with pain, or anger, or loss well. An understatement. I stuff it. And bottle it. And put it somewhere with other stuffed, bottled emotions. In the moment it might help keep things calm, and under control, but what we've noticed over the years, is that it turns into a weird lingering state of perpetual depression.

Even reading that makes me scoff. I am a happy person, generally, and I almost always have a joke or a story or some way to make people laugh, and encourage them. But i think I am running out of steam when it comes to reminding myself of joy, and all that's been done for me. Father is so good to me. But for some reason I cannot seem to pull myself out of this funk. No. Not a funk. A weird hole. A weird, dark, depressing hole.

Doubt creeps in. Shame, hooks me. Sadness overwhelms all the time. And 9 times out of 10, I think that my smiles are fake. I think that when I say that things are fine, they are not. Fortunately for me, I can't bring myself to laugh if something isn't funny. So if you are reading this thinking I have been fake laughing, don't be so hard on yourself. You really are funny...that is IF i laughed, hahahahaha.

Here's the end of the matter. I might need to see somebody. Beck has lovingly offered to go with me, since she knows me best, and will be able to offer insight, that maybe I don't see. That will be good. I just don't want to get to a point 5 to 10 years from now and realize that I have completely lost who I am, and poured this sour, fake, acrid version of myself into my wife and kids, and the gym. What would that teach my family? My wife? My sweet little boys? I need to get some help, and I need to move forward.

Please don't think I am writing this for sympathy, or pity. Not it. There are only like two people who read this anyway, and my wife is one of them. I just need to get this out, and for one reason or another, be able to chronicle my journey. I need to be able to look back and see the things that were affecting me.

Anyway. For what its worth. I can still smile. This hasn't crippled me. I can still love, and serve, and laugh, and enjoy life. I can still be genuinely happy for and with you. Just for now, know that I don't think of myself as perfect. I don't pretend to have it together, and pert of me letting you in, is writing these open blogs.

Thanks.