Fight Laugh Love

stairway to heaven

2011-04-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

I was hoping to reserve this LZ title for a good post. Just got some news that is FRUSTRATING, to say the very very least, but God is good, so I don't freak out. I don't know if I'm ready to rejoice yet. But I won't freak out.

I don't know why God does things the way He does. I CAN say that I trust Him, and that something good will come out of this.

I hate how I feel right now.

Thank you Father for teaching me humility, and for showing me that You are in control and not me.

I need you Father, please give me perspective. Encouragement. I need a word from You.

Houses of the Holy pt. 2

2011-03-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

I am easily discouraged.
My bad. I want to be a mighty man of God, but I have come to the sickening realization that a relationship with Father requires effort on my part. I should not expect God to just clean up my messes and make life easy for me if I am not willing to pursue Him back. How ridiculous of me to expect God to follow me around like a little puppy, doing whatever i ask.

I need to make an effort. I WANT to make an effort. I want to find Father and search for Him, so when He pours down like a flood in my life, it will mean that much more.

I want dreams, I want visions, I want to hear His voice. I can feel the rain coming even now. I smell it in the wind. I know Father is moving, and will do good things for me, even if I cannot spend 24 hours a day in the Bible. But I will give Him everything I am, and everything I have is His.

Father, I am Yours.
My heart is Yours,
my mind is Yours,
my life is Yours.
Whatever You want, You have.
Whatever You ask, i'll obey.

Forever.
I want to know You, let Your Spirit overwhelm me, let Your presence overtake my heart.

Ten Years Gone

2011-03-22T22:29:00.000-07:00

Huh. faced with a unique look at myself today. I don't think that its a surprise to anyone who knows me even a little bit that banking isn't my thing. It's my brothers thing. He's amazing at it and has the mind for it. He gets it, and as a result of his persistence and commitment to his career has really made a name for himself in Redding. I'm so proud of him. He is very grown up and respectable. He makes banking super cool.

I can't.

For a while I thought that I could force myself into that box, but it's not me, and I thought that because of this force, I was getting a little down.

As Beck and I have talked and prayed though, the reality is that I have been going through a change for over a year. Looking more like a couple of years. I don't deal with pain, or anger, or loss well. An understatement. I stuff it. And bottle it. And put it somewhere with other stuffed, bottled emotions. In the moment it might help keep things calm, and under control, but what we've noticed over the years, is that it turns into a weird lingering state of perpetual depression.

Even reading that makes me scoff. I am a happy person, generally, and I almost always have a joke or a story or some way to make people laugh, and encourage them. But i think I am running out of steam when it comes to reminding myself of joy, and all that's been done for me. Father is so good to me. But for some reason I cannot seem to pull myself out of this funk. No. Not a funk. A weird hole. A weird, dark, depressing hole.

Doubt creeps in. Shame, hooks me. Sadness overwhelms all the time. And 9 times out of 10, I think that my smiles are fake. I think that when I say that things are fine, they are not. Fortunately for me, I can't bring myself to laugh if something isn't funny. So if you are reading this thinking I have been fake laughing, don't be so hard on yourself. You really are funny...that is IF i laughed, hahahahaha.

Here's the end of the matter. I might need to see somebody. Beck has lovingly offered to go with me, since she knows me best, and will be able to offer insight, that maybe I don't see. That will be good. I just don't want to get to a point 5 to 10 years from now and realize that I have completely lost who I am, and poured this sour, fake, acrid version of myself into my wife and kids, and the gym. What would that teach my family? My wife? My sweet little boys? I need to get some help, and I need to move forward.

Please don't think I am writing this for sympathy, or pity. Not it. There are only like two people who read this anyway, and my wife is one of them. I just need to get this out, and for one reason or another, be able to chronicle my journey. I need to be able to look back and see the things that were affecting me.

Anyway. For what its worth. I can still smile. This hasn't crippled me. I can still love, and serve, and laugh, and enjoy life. I can still be genuinely happy for and with you. Just for now, know that I don't think of myself as perfect. I don't pretend to have it together, and pert of me letting you in, is writing these open blogs.

Thanks.

Black Dog

2011-03-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

So I love my church family. Amazing family. So many different people, I know folks who voted for Obama, I know book worms, people who smoke weed. I know people who smoke cigarettes, drink, cuss, joke too hard, do not, in any way, shape or form, want children. I have friends who struggle with homosexuality, and give in to their temptation but still cry out to God for love, mercy and acceptance. We're an eclectic family, and we need each other to balance out. I love my family.

I go to church assuming that I am going to pick something up, and learn, see my family, and go home. Today something happened, that happens a lot, I got hit. God showed me something that, I can't let go of, and it's getting more intense as time goes on. I want to sit in our secret place, and try to get at God. I want to quit work, stop eating, bring a bottle of water and run and run until i get some clarity.

I want to get visions. I want to have dreams, and promises, and words. I want to see people healed, and I want to hear my Father tell me about His dream for me. I'm so desperate for His voice, and I need to get my hands on Him, and I want to open my heart and my mind to everything He has. I ache to hear His voice, I ache to know his voice from mine. I ache to, on instinct, cry out to Him.

So how? How do I find MORE of Him? If (in the Prodigal parable it tells us) we have had Access to Fathers house, then how do I get in to the house? What steps do I take? How do I ask? Where do I go? How do I get on this freight train that Father is conducting, and ride His pulse through life?

Not sure...but I need to find out...I need more.

I just lol'd

2011-01-28T22:57:00.000-08:00

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after BluRay? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -- but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Houses of the Holy

2011-01-23T19:58:00.000-08:00

I just recently got Rocked by God...things look different...my heart feels different.

For the first time ever I heard someone speak in tongues, and it freaked me out at first. While I was praying for God to show me if this is real, I confessed in my heart that I didn't feel right and was un-nerved by it. Suddenly my friend Andrew leans over and says to me.."Marty, God says you need to let go of your unbelief"...BOOM. so i did.

Now I am looking for God in everything, and I feel excited to see what He's going to do next. I am so anxious for another moment with God, I'll do whatever.

God is opening doors for me, providing for me, and changing everything. My marriage, my friendships, my attitude and my 30 year misconceptions of who and how God is. I couldn't be more anxious...I just want every moment to be as epic as last Thursday night. It makes me want to change the way I do everything...like nothing is impossible...like God is doing things I can't understand and shouldn't try to. I want to see God do things I couldn't have even imagined. I can't wait...I want MORE dreams, MORE visions, MORE friends speaking in tongues, MORE prophecies...I want MORE MORE MORE!!!

Come on GOD...show off...blow my mind...I want all of You...I want to have my whole world knocked on it's ass by YOU. I want to see things differently, and to reach the people of this city with Your love, not religion. Not rules. TO met them where they are and love them into You.

Come on God...make me a preacher, a servant, a lover, and a leader. Right into Your heart.

the way we used to be

2010-07-13T17:47:00.000-07:00

yeah...it's been a long time since I've done this. But I feel like I need to get this stuff out. I don't know why here and not somewhere else.

I'm stressed. This stress has been building in me, and building, and building. Rock Climbing used to be a release. It was awesome. But here, while I am working all the time, dealing with people in my life who undermine me. It's getting to be too much. I can feel it all welling up in me and I see the effect it has on my in how i treat the people I am around while I'm here. People I'm supposed to be Jesus to. But I don't know how to keep this stress inside. I feel like its just below the surface.

I don't know what to do. It seems like my time here is almost done, but I don't want these bottled up feelings to cause lasting damage to my soul and my heart. i don't want to be angry. I don't want to hold this bitterness inside. I know God wants it gone too. I just don't know how to let go. I need to. I need this anger and stress and feeling of betrayal to go away.

I just don't know how. or why.

California Waiting

2009-06-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

FORGIVENESS

How great is our God...

In looking only inward, I can see how selfish I am, and have become. How foolish my self-centered bitterness has become, and what a great distance I have created between God and myself.

It sucks. I hate giving up my "right to be right". I hate feeling like someone else is winning, at my expense.

Jesus bought my right to be right, and all of my victories. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.

What a fool I've been. What an arrogant prick to think that someone who has sinned against me, and/or hurts me deeply, constantly with their ignoring, and their avoidance, and their separation OWES me something.

I owe God everything. I need to get past it, and be above that and what I feel I deserve.

I have. And God has released this immediate rage and fury that burns against them. Now there's sorrow, and pity. Sorrow for how long I held on to that fire, and pity that they refuse to meet me halfway.

I can read and see in me that there is still some attitude changing that needs to take place. It's clear. I know it's there. God is faithful and just to forgive me of my sin and to cleanse me from ALL unrighteousness.

Thank you Father. You are too good to me, in every way that I will never deserve.

People: If I have sinned against you, please tell me so I can make it right. Email me, call me, text me, write me. I do not want others to feel toward me what I have felt towards others for so long. If I can apologize and ask for forgiveness and remove myself from being between you and God, then I will do that, humbly and sincerely.

Here is my contact info...

530-515-1995
mmoseley78@gmail.com
1579 Dana Dr. 68
Redding, Ca.
96003

Lets take a step in the right direction, towards healing and righteousness. Let's make things right.

Taper Jean Girl

2009-06-20T18:08:00.000-07:00

Bitterness.

A lot like affection, and interest, and attraction, I feel like you never know when bitterness officially begins, really, but you can identify it at some point and know exactly when it ends.

I realized that I have had these roots of bitterness growing in my heart. I can identify each one and to whom it is directed, I just can't remember (with the exception of one) where these began, and how to cut them off at the base of my heart.

This sucks, in my head I feel excused for being hurt, but they probably have no idea. I can see how this bitterness has affected my relationship with them, and some of my actions. Often in an unintentional passive aggressive tone.

One of these is strong and deep and wrapped around my heart many times, and I am not sure if I am capable of forgiveness. This person has not apologized or expressed any degree of remorse for their actions, even when confronted with it. So in my selfishness, why should I even consider forgiveness when they won't even consider regret? Why should I change?

I realize how juvenile this all sounds, and how selfish I appear. And I am even while writing this considering Jesus' command to forgive 70 times 7 times. I'm just tired of being accused, and I'm tired of being in trouble, and looking like the bad guy. Why continue to subject myself to this kind of battery?

Shi**y

Be Somebody

2009-05-01T22:18:00.000-07:00

WOLVERINE!!!!!

So this movie will change your life. Much like the "tic-tac sized bomb that they will leave in your brain"(you know what I'm tlaking about). My mind is still reeling, and my brain is blowing up every time I think about the movie. This shot like a bullet to the very top of my all time favorite movies list.

Please, everyone who reads this go see this movie.

I was not hoping for much, because a friend of mine said the special effects were cheesy. My friend is a liar. Everything about this movie ruled.

I am going to wait a week before I start talking about my favorite parts, but there were literally so many I started to forget them. So I need to go see this movie again. Who's with me? Seriously. I am going to use almost every cent of this months spending money to see this movie as many times as I can.

I love you movie making people. Thank you. Thank you.

I want you

2009-04-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

I literally have an amazing wife.

I am working a TON of hours at work. It's really overwhelming and I get super stressed. Sometimes I say things that reflect a small desire in my heart and Becky listens. She is the kind of listener I wish I could be.

Today was an especially rough day. I don't like to talk about things that bother me, as I prefer to let my friends and family do the talking.

Becky knows me better.

At the end of an eleven hour I am trying to rescue an INCREDIBLY disappointing sales day, and I look up...

In walks my amazing wife, and my poor sick little goob.

What a surprise to get to see my family. They are my inspiration, and my place of refreshment. I love my family. I love every minute with them.

Wait...what???There's more????

She pulls out my favorite beverage on earth...Diet Coke. Ice cold. Oh man, she knew exactly what would totally give me a little boost right before I close the store for the night. It tastes amazing. What an amazing woman.

That's not it? Nope.

She tells me to close my eyes, so I do. She pulls out another little treat...what is it? The new Kings of Leon CD.

Background...I mentioned maybe one time in passing that I loved that band, and wanted to buy their CD on iTunes. FOUR MONTHS AGO! So knowing that I needed a boost, and showing me how important I am to her, she walks in with things that would cheer me up, and get me through another day.

Rebecca, you are amazing! No one compares to you, and no one could ever even compete for my affection. You do so many things that tell me you love me, and I will always love you first and most. Our children will come next though in a distant second. Everything I do is for you, and as long as I have breath, I will be a servant to you, and your friend, and lover for life. I will adore only you, and pursue only you. I love you, thank you for being everything I could ever want, or need, and more.

Amie

2009-04-17T13:57:00.000-07:00

"you know whats funny? I remember your hilarious sense of humor. I wonder if after 12 years of not seeing each other we would expect each other to be how we were. And would we expect ourselves to be the same? I wonder how I've changed."

That's an excerpt from a conversation I had with my friend Ameena from HS.

I look at myself and I don't think my personality has changed much since 1997. I feel like I am the same 18 yr old kid that walked the stage and joked around.

Obviously I HAVE changed. I'm 30 going on 31, married and a father (hard to believe I know). Here's the kicker, I've barely talked to anyone from my class, and those I HAVE talked to have changed a TON.

So have I changed a ton? Probably, but how? I look relatively the same, minus the long hair/bowl cut. I have tattoos. Significantly less muscle.

I remember being a nice guy. Liking mostly everybody. People liking me as well. But when I think of my friends who I like to catch up with, I think of them then. And I think of me then. When we email and talk though, I hear older people. I hear moms and dads, and grown ups who are only vague shadows of what they were when I knew them? Would we be friends now? Would things end up the same? Would my HS like me enough to make me homecoming king again? Would they accept my sense of humor or my grown-up-ness? Would I accept them?

I am strangely nostalgic, and a little sad at losing my connection with these people. Maybe there's still time to re-connect.

The Seed We've Sown

2009-04-17T10:43:00.000-07:00

Don't read this.

"Just let go and let God..."

I hate that saying.

I am a stuffer by nature. I have never been an over communicator, and I guess that blogging is a very minor outlet for my thoughts and feelings. Not many people read this so I think I'm safe. But this blog is not directed and anyone but Becky and I.

I'm hurting. As a man I feel like I have to be the strong, responsible, provider of......everything. Lately Beck and I have been talking about how I CANNOT be everything. I need to step back and put God in His rightful place in my heart. On the throne, not in a box. This is an absolutely true fact, both in foundation, and on my part. While I need to let God do His thing in my marriage, I cannot help but feel to blame. And it sickens me. I would like to think that my marriage is flawless, but that would be crazy, I love my wife, and I couldn't find a negative thing about her. But I feel like she would be out of her mind to say the same about me. I have faults that are huge and crippling. I am a HUGE disappointment. I feel like this new area that has been revealed to me this morning is devastating.

Beck went out to eat with some friends this morning and I had an unfortunate task I was asked to accomplish. And I couldn't. I literally could not. God was showing me this morning that the breakdown was mine, and as a sinful and broken human, my attempts to provide would fall infinitely short yet again. It was an utter failure. Worst of all, in my failure, I feel like this is just one more thing to bottle up. This never ending bottle in my heart that feels constantly ready to burst, it seems, can always hold one more thing. No matter how big it is. Even as I write this I can feel myself screwing the lid on the bottle, and the familiar comfortable numbness covering me again.

Now I'm sitting here reading what I've written...with nothing left to say, having said nothing at all. I think I abuse my blogging rights, using a lot of words, cryptically sharing my heart, but not saying anything at all.

Sorry.

The Song Remains the Same

2009-04-11T17:53:00.000-07:00

My hearts cry...

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

very likely my new tattoo...

The Song Remains the Same

2009-04-10T11:11:00.000-07:00

Does anyone remember the song we sung during communion last Sunday? It a hymn, and I love it, and I am having a COMPLETE BRAIN meltdown because I cannot for the life of me remember how it goes, or what it is. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Dancing Days

2009-03-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

Here is a confession from the mind of Marty...I'm sorry.

You would think that being 30 and working at the mall would be humiliating. And you would be right. In fact, you would be spot on with the exception of two things...which are almost identical in importance.

First and definitely most important is my family is provided for. #1.

The second and increasingly more entertaining, is the viewing of events at the mall. The people watching is my favorite and will often lead me to laugh and laugh continually for hours and even days.

The top three laughable moments are as follows (I am not as funny as Becky, so I'm sorry if this isn't that funny to you)(Please don't change your view of me because of this. Just remember you liked me already, this part of me existed when we were already friends, so you can't take it back now)

3) This happens more often than you would think. A person enters my place of employment (PacSun) and is quite rude. I try to be nice and take them from a negative encounter to a positive one. On occasion this will impossible. When this rude individual, after all of my attempts have failed they will come to the cash register to buy something. And their card/check will decline. After all their meanness, and rudeness, they end up looking like a fool. Hilarious.

2) On my lunch break I will often position myself to where I can see the entry doors to the mall. The automatic ones. Sometimes I will catch someone on the phone and not paying attention to where they are going. This is hilarious when they think they are walking into the automatic doors and they are walking into the manual doors. On one occasion...a gentleman was talking in a very animated way approaching the doors. I knew this was going to be a good one. He walked without slowing right into the manual doors. This knocked the phone out of his hands and readjusted his glasses for him. I spit out my food from the force of my laughter. I didn't even have time to hold it in. I COULDN'T!! I was laughing all day long. I would be folding some t-shirt and just belch out laughter. Causing curious looks and silent judgement. Totally worth it.

1) Oh man. This is the best. The first two don't happen with enough frequency to determine when or if it is going to happen. Not this one. I know when it's going to happen. I can plan my lunch around it, even what I am going to eat, so it's less embarrassing when I spit it out. On rainy days, when the mall maintenance puts out those "Slippery when wet" signs; pay attention! Because I will be right there to laugh at you. My favorite thing is when it is pouring outside, and the floor is slippery. People come bounding through the door and hit that slick floor...YARD SALE BABY!!! Once every couple of seconds someone will walk through the door and slip and slide all over the place. The first story, and I feel the worst about laughing about this one, but I cannot help it. IS the overactive, kids not paying attention story. A boy about the age of 11 came running through the door and as he was turning lost his feet and abandoned ship all over the floor. Not a second later, watching his older brother fall a younger version of the first came running in and fell the exact same way in the exact same place as the first. I literally laughed out loud. They saw me laughing but I couldn't help it. The second story, and arguably my favorite, is the very concerned with appearance girl. This girl walked in on a rainy day in heels and not enough on. Her first step sent her right foot hurling forward at a deadly speed, carrying the rest of her forward into an awkward version of the splits. As she let out a very obvious and high pitched "OH SHIIII*!" Next to the totally obviousness of this event, she got up and looked around to see if anyone saw. Which we all did, who could miss that, and locked eyes with me literally crying from laughing so hard!! I could literally watch that every day and still laugh. I am laughing at the memory. The third, and this is the reason for the title of this blog. The dancing tough guy. This guy came in with his girlfriend right behind him. Didn't hold the door for her by the way. Powers through the door and and old lady exiting. He hits our dance floor and instantly starts to lose his balance and his feet go out to both sides. He begins to realize he might fall, so he corrects by throwing his arms up and sliding a foot underneath him, which only turns him 90 degrees. Which also throws him off balance. To which he responds by planting his left foot on the ground and grabbing a table which squeals and turns underneath him sending him to the floor. Right in front of his girl who neither slipped nor stuttered in step. But burst out in an uncontrollable laughter, to which I joined in chorus, drawing attention to the scenario. He looked pissed, and declined a hand from his girlfriend an assistance. Probably just as funny that he was too cool to hold the door, but his girl had to help him up!! JUSTICE!! Who says God isn't fair. The last, just to make it fair, is mine. A couple of years ago I was walking into a mall and without losing stride walked right into a slippery spot and my feet flew out from underneath me like someone had pulled out a rug. and I landed square on my back which caused everyone, especially the friends I was with to laugh. Everybody does it. Just don't do it in front of me. Because if I know you I will walk up to you, lean over your humbled body, point in your face and laugh, laugh, laugh.

You're welcome.

What You Say Pt 3

2009-03-07T20:26:00.000-08:00

So today, I had to eat my words, and they did not taste good. There is a certain actress that I have long teased, and been completely impatient with. She's not a bad actress, but to me, she has this super awkward in between stage for like eight years.

There have, in fact, been a couple movies that I think she should have been in, in place of the existing actress.

So today I saw a picture of her at a premier today and thought...wow, she doesn't look so awkward anymore. In fact I don't recognize her at all. Becky had to explain to me who it was for me to actually put the two together. I feel bad for all of the jokes I made at her expense. If I could apologize I would.

What You Say Pt.2

2009-02-28T18:00:00.000-08:00

It's so easy to judge isn't it?

It's easy for us to offer our opinion whenever we feel like it, assuming that either A)it's welcomed, or B) its right.

We feel like we have some special insight into others lives, but how often do we wait and see if our "insight" or "advice" is pride speaking or if it is even welcomed. Many times God urges us to speak into others lives, but I would argue that more often than not, we want to say something that would be meaningful, or insightful for our own benefit, or self image. Thinking that we will make ourselves look cool or wise.

I have a couple of friends in the music industry. I was talking to one of them a couple of months ago and he was telling me about how people will wait in line after a show to "pray" for them, or to share a "word" for him or his band. In most cases these are clearly selfish attempts to feel like they've ministered to the band, or something. In very few cases has anything they've spoken had any meaning.

How many times have we found out something about someone else in the church, and then "shared" that with someone, so we can "pray" for them? Too many. That's gossip. Unless someone asks us to tell people, then we are gossiping. It's not our place to vomit up other peoples business for the sake of being in everybody else's crap.

I remember wanting so badly at times to minister to someone or look good in front of others. But keeping my mouth shut and just praying for them because I didn't feel like God was telling me to speak. Another friend of mine said something recently that really confirmed this. She is an amazing artist, and has been given a gift of Prophetic painting. I've seen some of her work and she is talented, but feels like she needs to wait on the Holy Spirit to move her to paint, so it's not just her and her brush but God is actually painting and speaking through her.

That's the posture we should be taking. Not one of pride. Who is being glorified in our Actions and speech? Is it God? Or is it us, feigning like the glory is Gods. He says that in our pride we have received our reward, is that what you want? To be prideful and then Humbled by God, or be humbled and let God to the lifting?

Voices

2009-02-22T16:13:00.000-08:00

Wow, today Dan totally brought it.

Thanks Dan. God has used a lot of what Dan had to say and convicted me of a lot. I really feel moved right now.

Most moving to me was the mention of listening to Gods voice, and not satans. Satan has NO AUTHORITY. "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to Me (Jesus)". The only authority satan gets in our lives is what we give him. He has none on his own, and I need to stop giving him that authority. I need to listen to God, and for his calling in my life. A couple of weeks ago Nate and Eric and Dan had some encouragement for me, and part of that encouragement was to not listen to satan regarding my value to God.

Man. So good.

What You Say

2009-02-21T18:51:00.000-08:00

OK, challenge time....so Billy and I have thrown down the word gauntlet. I know that sounds super nerdy. Well, WE ARE NOT NERDS!! Jerk.

Anyway.

Here's the challenge. I am going to daily (maybe daily. Probably not as most people won't participate. It'll get old) post a word on here that you the reader will have to use in a sentence. The challenge is, the words come from the word verification that you have to type in when leaving a comment on someones page. This is the challenge that Billy and I are now literally HURLING at one another via the Internet Machine (thank you Bobby).

Challenge on. Gauntlet thrown. Man (Woman) Hood called into question.

Word one.

PHABLEDO

You're welcome.

What is and What Should Never Be

2009-02-17T21:40:00.000-08:00

I want to thank Led Zeppelin for this song. Not only is the title appropriate, but the song, in my opinion, lingers like my wifes perfume. It plays in my mind the way dizziness plays after being spun around. It lingers in my mouth as I sing it, and sends chills through my body like the way adrenaline courses through me after being scared or riding an amazing roller-coaster, or holding my wifes hand. Music does that to me. In fact next to my wifes touch, the sight of my son, and the word of God, nothing moves me like music.

But not just any music. There is some music that grates on my nerves like a chalk board, or some one coughing close by, or Paula Abduls comments on American Idol.

Proceed.

In Jr High, there were two classes of people. Those who said Rap sucked and those who said rock sucked. I sided with the rock group, and have for many many many years. With high School was added another group. Country. Now, on the Rock, Country, Rap scale, Rap would be least acceptable in my house. Country I can tolerate. But Rock will always have a place in my home.

Recently (within the last two years) however, a new form of music has forcibly made its horrible presence known in my life, and has easily and in a most hostile manner imaginable, inserted itself into my life, via my best friend.

House/Dance/Electronica. Even the name makes me want to shiver. I feel that in this instance Rap should take it's rightful place as the bronze medal winner of music. Where as House music will forever be in a distant (so far you cannot see or hear it) fourth, until some equally awful and audibly offensive form of music comes along and either replaces it or pushes it further down the road.

Horrible. Horrible. Horrible.

Shadows

2009-02-15T20:10:00.000-08:00

Words. They carry so much power. I've always hated the saying ...

"sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

While sticks and stones DO HURT, the words that hurt us might not always be so obvious.

This last Saturday Nate, Eric, Derrick and Dan had some freeing and encouraging Words for Becky and I. The Words touched me. They told us that God has got a lot in store for us in ministry. He has made us reliable leaders, and respected members of our church body. They prayed over us and there was a burden lifted off of my shoulders and God revealed to us how He sees us. It was even told to me that specific things that some friends did not care for were their favorite parts of my personality and gifting. Specifically the Love & Respect announcement, and my sense of humor. That they see the both of us as transparent and humble, and that God has a HUGE call on us in leadership at the Stirring, and in the church body!!

God has been so good to touch my heart and heal a lot of pain that was caused. God is so loving and caring, and faithful to remove the false burdens and lies that satan tries to put on our backs, and we are not attentive enough to shrug off.

Thank You Father for humbling me, and teaching me your faithfulness. And your great love. A love I could never know the depth of, but long for. Thank you for showing me your glory and your power to save. Thank you for your salvation.

Start Again

2009-02-15T20:03:00.000-08:00

God's grace is sufficient for me.

Today I found out that my boss, who hates me, and has been trying to ruin my integrity, got fired this weekend.

What a strange mix of emotions. God has shown me His heart for her and so now I feel a love for her soul, and a longing to see her saved. I can't imagine being a part of that, but now I pray for her. And hurting for her and her loneliness. Hurting that she is now unemployed and needs to find work like 13% of the greater Redding population. She is fairly resourceful though, so I am quite sure she will find something.

Now I feel this desire to pray for her to find a new job, and to find the grace of God through this. She's had a rough couple of months and so she could probably use a break.

Please show yourself faithful to her Father.

I am really excited to get a shot at running the store. I think that there is a lot of good I can do, and God showing me His favor in this way is so humbling and overwhelming. Thank You Father. Thank You.

A Whole Lotta Love

2009-02-14T14:46:00.000-08:00

I have these dreams of Becky and I visiting all of the places in the world we've always wanted to see.

When Becky and I were first married we would sleep in and read all day.

We liked to stay up super late and watch Smallville till the wee hours of the morning.

We used to go to the movies and eat dinner at a place called Dai Bi Dang.

We go to bed at night and laugh and laugh about our days and about stuff little Marty has done.

I love my life with Becky. She amazes me. I love the way she sings, and her laugh is so infectious. She has the most beautiful smile.

My wife is the greatest gift God has given me, and I adore her. She is so beautiful and intoxicating. She is everything I could ever ask for. Thank You Father for My wife. My very Best friend, and the most amazing woman I have ever known.

Stand by Me

2009-02-11T10:53:00.000-08:00

Hey does anyone know anyone who would be willing to babysit for Becky and I Saturday night?

We haven't had a date in months, and I planned a really cool date.

HELP?

freedom

2009-02-08T19:07:00.000-08:00

God is good.

How do you show the goodness of God when people HATE you because of your relationship with Him?

When you are the only churchgoing person at your place of employment and yet you work five Sundays out of seven?

Do you pray for God to destroy your enemies like David did? Do you pray for your enemies?

What do you do when your enemies are making continuous and heavy withdrawls from your emotional bank account, and then they keep pushing your buttons?

When you can see it taking its toll on your wife and son?

I need you Father. Please bring the Daylight. I can't see at night.

Daylight

2009-02-06T21:52:00.001-08:00

I dig music.

I love so many kinds, but am very intollerant of certain genre's.

I see that God is moving in my life. He shows me previews of His glory. Glimpses. Peeks.

I see that God is moving and directing. And in the past I have seen how God has moved, even though at the time I couldn't tell what he was doing or why. So I made the choice to trust. I had to chose.

I was talking to my mom about some stuff tonight, and it reminded me of how God is more faithful than the morning, but a song was playing on my iPod by the band Remedy Drive. I felt like God was saying "Marty, I KNOW you're hurting. I know you are being beat down, and attacked. But don't worry, I'm here. It's dark now, but the dawn is coming."

The lyrics are below.
Has everything you've counted on
Left you right here with no warning
Have your dreams become invisible
Wait with me dear till the morning
Light will make the night burnout

Hold on Daylight is coming
To break the dawn
Daylight is coming

The brightest stars are falling down
Is hope lost in the black skies
The darkness must precede the dawn
Wait with me here till the sunrise
Wait, your night will soon fade out

Hold on Daylight is coming
To break the dawn
Daylight is coming
Daylight is coming
Hold on Daylight is coming
To break the dawn
Daylight is coming

Jesus is my Daylight.

Thunderstruck

2009-02-06T19:30:00.000-08:00

I am sitting on a couch three feet from my mom, watching my son dance around with TWO sippies. Double fisting it.

Hindsight is 20/20. I wish foresight, and whatever you call the sight when you're in the middle of it, was that clear.

I have been asking God for Jericho. I have this idea of how this would look. Bobby and I would get the money for the gym, and then I would give my 30 days notice. Move into the gym and start building. God threw me a curve ball recently. As it appears my plan is not what God had in mind. This curve ball could lead down two paths, both of which require me to rely completely on God. This, fortunately, will not be difficult, and is an affirmative answer to prayer either way it goes. I just hope it goes toward the gym. I believe it will because, like Jonah, Bobby and I are not the greatest followers of God. He deserves better. But rather than send a huge fish, that will burn all the hair off of my body, bleaching it white, and cover me with stomach-ness, I want to follow God when He calls me the first time. Not second guess everything.

So Father, just show me the way and i will follow you.

You know?

Bad Moon Rising

2009-02-02T22:51:00.000-08:00

So a friend of mine has a relative. Obviously. But their relative is SUPER concerned about the economy.

I want to hear some opinions about what I am going to say.

So this relative feels like things are going to be worst case scenario. Money becomes worthless and things become valuable. We end up on the barter system and people are moving to compounds and communes and growing their own food and slaughtering their own cows for food. They see the great depression as repeating itself (this is my take on what is being said, and is by no means a direct quote) a hundred fold. That the countries that we owe money to will become fed up and come take back their money by force.

I have my own opinions about this, and what I want to hear is YOURS. I respect and admire these friends to no end. And I respect the family member who has these concerns. I am not belittling or condemning them at all. Just sharing and looking for some thoughts.

Eh?

Your Time is Gonna Come

2009-02-02T22:39:00.001-08:00

The title of the song is deceiving, I know. The song is about a woman who royally screws over the writer.

This is more of a claim to a promise.

It's really weird to have so many people in life that you cannot depend on. There are some who may make a person feel like you don't even know them anymore. But God is not that person to me. I've been laid off twice since getting married. Becky and I have suffered through some real crap involving friends and knowing God is always on my side, and always reminding me that it's going to be ok. It's ALL going to be ok.

With that said, I often get anxious about where the money for Jericho is going to come from, and when. But God presents these things in life where He is clearly moving and obviously opening and closing doors to direct me. Thank you Father.

Tangerine

2009-02-01T16:24:00.000-08:00

OHHHH, Led Zeppelin. You RULE!!!

Anyway. Something really pissed me off the other day.

While working the cash register at my place of employment, this girl (maybe 12) came in kissing and making out with her "boyfriend" (also maybe 12). They were grabbing all up on each other and making out right in public. Her mom offered to buy her a couple of items and she called her mom a B!+(# and told her to pick out something else. Wow, I was livid.

So here's the thing. I told a couple of friends of mine with daughters, and they shared my frustration. Bot Ryan Reuther and Matt Bram were pissed with me. What are we going to do as parents to prevent our girls from two things...first, in Song of Songs a verse refers to a girl being a gate or a wall. How will we as a community inspire our daughters to be walls, impenetrable, unmoving, strong walls, that do not allow boys to come and go but save their innocence and purity of one man, one Godly, Jesus loving man? And two, how will we raise them to be honoring of their parents? No one like a girls who has a ton of attitude, and always complains about one thing or another, or is super self absorbed ( I know many of these girls)?

I know that I will raise my son to be a wall. And to be a brother to the girls he grows up with. To protect them from the foxes that get into our church and girls lives, and to chase them away. To be honoring and loving to them. Our little family will be a family that calls upon God, and lives righteously. To love righteousness, and mercy, and to walk humbly with our God. As well as grow with people who are moving in that direction.

Who's with us? Who's ready to raise a generation of men and women whose hearts are wholly Gods. Whose bodies and minds are pure and reserved for God's purpose, in humility and love.

Let's be those parents

Hey You

2009-01-31T22:41:00.000-08:00

Listening to Hey You by Pink Floyd
SO I decided to start blogging again. I say again like I was really blogging in the first place.
I wasn't.
I did one rant cause I was upset.

But Now I feel like I can share things.
I'm not interested in doing this so people do not respond.
I want full participation.

First...when did people STOP blogging. Honestly, I'm running out of things to do on my computer. I get like two emails every week. I have to try to come up with funny things to say on OTHER peoples FB to get a response.

I NEED YOU PEOPLE TO BLOG. So I don't feel so lonely. Just kidding.

Second...I have a friend who experienced some REALLY intense spiritual warfare the other night. I went over and prayed over the house, and the family. It was a real Chariots of fire moment. Eric Liddel was an Olympic runner and a when asked about his love for running stated that he "could feel God's pleasure when [he] ran. As if it were, that [he] were created for that purpose alone". It makes me wonder at times if I am missing the point entirely. If God has created me for one purpose, or for many purposes, each unique to a specific time, place or occasion.

Thoughts?

Houses of the Holy

2008-10-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to Houses of the Holy. I really love listening to LZ.

So anyway. Bobby and I have been working this route on his wall. Affectionately called "Blue Route". Origionally Bobby had this route set up on his previous wall that frustrated me and intimidated me, and I loved it. It took me two months of climbing to get up that route. So now at Bobby's new place, he and I set this new Blue Route and it is significantly harder. Mentally and Physically.

I am relatively new to climbing, so I had no idea that a good route is made up much like a good story or song. It has a beginning, a middle and an end. It is complex and metered much like a song, with fast and slow. It is also multi-leveled. It has different things going on at once. For these two reasons I LOVE rock climbing. More specifically bouldering. Which is rock climbing when you are not roped in. Typcally more technical and more physically and mentally demanding, because every hold and move could very easily cost you life and/or limb.

Unlike my amazingly gifted blogging wife Becky, I am not a wordsmith. But I am going to try to express my thoughts and emotions via our written language which my wife has so successfully mastered.

Bobby and I went climbing today, at this amazing little bouldering spot on Clear Creek. There is so much climbing and so much to do, we were literally exhausted before we could finish even one set of problems (our term for routes or paths up the side of a rock/wall). It was amazing. We were able to work on this little cave area that was in parts so complicated that we couldn't preogress. It was awesome. We were able to clear away all of the moss and dirt and find holds and climbs that made this little area perfect.

Well, just short of perfect. It was expressed between bobby and I how sad and upsetting it is when people ruin such a beautiful place with bottles, and trash, and graffitti. It was upsetting to say the least. Why do people feel like it's SO IMPORTANT that they damage and dirty the landscape? I get really pissed that people are so disrespectful.

Bobby and I mused at how we were going to raise boys who are respectful and honoring of this land that God has given us.

No Idea....

Heartbreaker

2008-08-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

So maybe consistency of writing is not a strong suit of mine. Honestly. Can't imagine my blogs getting a lot of attention. But I feel like occasionally there are things that I need to say. And what better place to get things off my chest than on a blog that no one will read right?

I get a lot of my inspiration from music, so I'll title the blogs by which song I'm listening to at the moment.

First is this। We need to, as men, get involved in community. My best friend Bobby and I were talking recently about how there is a lack of just guy stuff going on. Dudes are prideful, and we can be insecure, but we need to feel accepted. If we know a dude is struggling with his marriage or work, or self esteem, he should be able to go to his buds and be encouraged. And get help. No man is an island, and no man should have to be. So, what are we going to do about this? Good question.... I don't have an answer yet, but I do have dreams about groups of guys doing man stuff like cutting down tress and eating live fish, killing bears and mountain lions with our bare hands, and growing beards. But not alone. I dream about a community of men who look like the warriors from Braveheart. Angry, and passionate, and fighting against the tyranny that's trying to take away their freedom. At the end of the first big fight scene when they are all breathing heavily, and looking around at their victory and at each other. This should be our lives (I'm spiritually, emotionally and mentally speaking of course, not necessarily physically, but if you're my friend, I will be right there with you, no matter what. But will you let me?

Can we be an army of men who take in the hungry, and "adopt" the fatherless, and the orphaned/widowed?

Misty Mountain Hop

2008-07-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

So, if you know me well, or at all, you might have heard me say at one time or another that I am totally not into the blog scene. It seems trendy. And honestly, it still does. But I had a friend tell me today something that I do not think I would say to the vast majority of people who blog. He said "You should Blog more. I'd be interested in what you think about". Not really sure how to take that but I thought I should probably get off of my high horse and "don't knock it until you've tried it" So here goes.

Blog one....I've titled this blog Misty Mountain Hop. I'd leave it's meaning up to you, but I'm not that patient. My favorite band is Led Zeppelin. I like the music and I like the emotion it draws out of me. While the song gently orbits the idea of a vaguely memorable drug trip, for me it says something else. Life. I think that as humans, more specifically Christians, we forget that our life is an adventure, and every moment is a chance to live it. We look into the near or distant future hoping for something, a feeling or an event. But the feeling is attainable now. The event is a series of steps from this moment to the next until we reach this goal. We should not be living in the past or future. We could glean a lot from the idea of seizing the day. Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin was quoted as saying the following after the death of drummer John Bonham. When asked "What are you going to do without John Bonham? Is this the end of Led Zeppelin?" Plant replied "Listen mate, life calls out to all of us. Everyday should be something you make good or bad. My friend is gone, and I cant see the future. But I can say that I have this second and this moment to grieve or laugh. Right now I will grieve, and I will choose when to laugh."

How will you spend your day? Will you spend the day living in the past? Maybe someone hurt you? Maybe you are upset about something trivial. Maybe you don't even KNOW why you are upset. Maybe we should do the adult thing and move on. Choose joy, choose not to hold a grudge (of which I am currently guilty). Maybe we choose to be a servant and love the unlovable. Maybe we make the best of the time we have.